I'm fed up of unrealistic expectations for mothers on the internet

an apology, an exploration, a protest

do read the whole thing, there’s light after frustration…this is also quite long, so if you’re reading in email you’ll want to click on the thing that says “read in app.”

Oh you strong, brilliant woman reading this, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you’ve been bombarded by messages that it’s possible for any woman to work 10 hours a week and make a s***-ton of money (I can think of one person who defines as female who I admire who does this, though I don’t know them at all IRL).

I’m sorry you’ve been told you can “build a business around your kids that quickly grows and leads to success.” (what does that even mean? What are the parameters that define that?)

I’m sorry you’ve been told that your child’s nap time is your work time, or that when they go to bed you “crack on.”

I’m sorry you’ve been told that the way to “hack it” is to get up early before the kids, for some “you time in your business.”

I’m sorry that you’ve been told that the answer to is to let your house go to s***-tip, even though I can see that it stresses you out.

I’m sorry that you’ve been made to feel that you should be able to manage all of this, that the message “why not be curious” seems to be a sub-text for “why not work harder NOW?”

I’m so tired. So tired for all the brilliant mothers I see trying to do it all, and then being told that they need to be more resilient, more consistent, more goal-focused.

And, before I go any further, I’m so tired of reading newsletters designed to solely provoke, without any nuance. You will find some here as you read on, because of course this isn’t simple.

[a helpful voice on the side interjects:]

“Laura, you’re a coach and mentor who helps women unjumble their thoughts, find clarity, create a plan, goals and continually nurture their confidence and self-trust, right?”

Yep.

And that’s why I’m so fed up with all this pedalling of work as emancipation on the internet for over-stimulated, over-stretched women, caring for literally everyone but themselves.

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This is coming from someone whose work is soul-food, whose core of her work is a joy because I’m able to do three of my favourite things via my work every day:

create

listen

learn

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This newsletter does not ask women to “put it all down.” I’m so sick of that message as well: “you must subtract something from yourself in order to be the mother that your child needs.” When did making ourselves smaller in the service of another ever help?

Nor would I have the audacity and arrogance to suggest that there is a right way to do this.

And let us never forget that for the self-employed, there is normally simply no choice but to work in the nap gaps, to work around the edges, because otherwise how else are you going to pay the bills?

No, I’m here to dismantle the new narrative I’m seeing: not that we should “have it all”, but that we are somehow a lesser business person, or freelancer, or creative if we are not able to stare how much we are balancing in the eye and say “yeah, and? I’m going to do it all anyway” that we are somehow lesser.

My friend

Sophie Ingleby

whom I have at various times mentored, coached and who I’ve employed as my VA, wrote a brilliant post recently, and it was this mini-paragraph that summed up the crux of it for me:

“Do you see my struggle here? I’m not moaning about my baby, and I’m not moaning about my work. I love both. They’re part of me, who I am, I’m good at both, and I love both. It’s just, together, with 2 older children, a house and everything else that comes with life, it’s A LOT.”

Sophie works as an excellent VA and specialist content strategist for her clients. Working for other people’s deadlines is a demanding and time-poor job. Yes, it’s her own business. Yes, there’s other things she can do long-term to potentially diversify her income stream so it’s less “all on Sophie.”

But, hold on. Is it not enough right now to say that with limited childcare, three children and a house to look after Sophie is simply stretched beyond capacity? Is that not ok? Can we stop trying to “fix it” for her and instead celebrate keeping her work small, and beautiful, and sustainable for right now?

This is Sophie’s entire post by the way, and it’s excellent. And do I think Sophie’s burnout makes me a bad coach? Absolutely not. I think Sophie would attest I supported her and she grew in a way she never expected, and then the infrastructure of our broken childcare system and societal expectations let her down. She can tell you in the comments!

2023: Lies, Burnout & Regrets

So, here comes the big conclusion. What I think we should do.

Well, I certainly don’t think we should judge any mother for running their work in their own way. If it’s working for you then it’s working (isn’t that the same for sleep/ weaning/ after-school clubs/ choosing secondary schools/ talking about s** with our kids in nearly every instance, when it comes from a well-considered, loving, reflective place?)

There are so many amazing mothers on the internet, doing it their way (looking at you

Lauren Barber

Caroline Evans

Abigail Mann

Kat River

Claire Venus

Elin Petronella

).

Incidentally it seems a lot harder for me to find examples of women talking about running their businesses with children who are older.

Here’s my thought on that: yes, their kids are at school in lots of instances and that gives more space in the day, but the days are much longer because bedtimes are later, the taxi service I provide for my three is unrelenting, the conversations are deeper (or non-existent) and the space for dreaming about your work is far less. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a different thing.

Tell me who to follow who’s talking about parenting tweens and beyond (I love Steph Douglas and Suzy Reading).

I also love my friends like Megan Rossiter, who has very slowly and sustainably built her business, with one “risk moment” where she invested money in her online course (but it wasn’t a risk, she’d done her research and was ready). Over seven years she’s created something amazing, s l o w l y.

So, I guess that’s my point:

I want all mothers, no scratch that, all people (because I love working with people who aren’t parents and who identify as male just as much as with mothers, and let’s face it, it’s what’s right) to feel able to build their work from a point of profound self-trust, from a place of profound support and from a practical place of knowing how much time, energy and resources they actually have for their work or business.

I want you to have your big dreams.

I want you to build your work.

I want you to have stretchy goals when you have the self-trust and feel resilient enough (in this season of your life) to do so.

I want you to celebrate your brilliant ideas.

I want you to make great money.

I don’t want you to beat yourself up, or have burnout.

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I hope my clients would attest (and if they feel like commenting on this they’re so welcome!) that I always say things like:

“how does [this plan] fit in with your existing commitments?”

“where’s the time for rest?”

“what support do you need to make this happen?”

“what does success mean to you - are we talking more time for you, more money, more learning, more simplicity, more systems, more visibility?”

“what are your feelings on “failure” and are in a space of experimentation or consolidation?”

“what’s the time frame for this and is it realistic” (genuinely, still a mega-fan of a SMART goal over here).

I want you to feel able to ask for more childcare to support your work, if that’s what you want.

I want you to be open about the need to bring in money, and to know that if it feels like a struggle sometimes that it is just is. But if it feels like a struggle all the time, is it a “forever” or is there something we can do to support a sustainable change?

I want you to celebrate the tempo of your life, your business, your kids that you’re in right now.

I want you to know that I will cheer for you, and hold you, and listen to you, and help you cherish your big dreams at your pace, that we can take your jumble and make it a beautiful, slow sustainable plan.

And I want you to know that I’m sorry we made you feel like you’ve got it wrong, when you absolutely haven’t.